In case the hundreds of videos, thousands of news articles, and the frenetic looks of desperation from coworkers and friends somehow went unnoticed, the United States’ election campaigns are going dangerously awry for anyone with modern values and a functioning brain. To recap, every candidate on the Republican side (the one fighting for immigration reform, the abolition of Planned Parenthood, and the right to bear (even more) arms) is racist, sexist, creationist, a reincarnation of Adolf Hitler, or all of the above. The Democrats, on the other hand, have more legitimate policies, but nobody knows what they are because their debates are far from being as entertaining as Republican ones. Therefore, for the average American citizen, there is really only one way to turn: north, towards Canada.
The quiet younger sibling who never went through a rebellious phase, Canada has been constantly overshadowed by America in international politics and economics. However, it may be the one to save the day, considering Cape Breton residents are already offering the city as a refuge for Americans who would want to escape if Donald Trump, the leading candidate for the Republicans who advocates for violence at his rallies and practices racial profiling to the extreme, becomes president. Unfortunately, this may not be enough as the other potential presidents of one of the most powerful countries in the world include Ted Cruz, who is hated even by his old college roommate; Marco Rubio, the maker of crude jokes; Hillary Clinton, a Democrat accused of committing crimes that threatened the country’s security; and Bernie Sanders, the best choice, liked by many but also one of the least popular among some Americans because of socialist leanings.
In the face of certain lunacy, Americans are beginning to think outside the box. ‘If we can share the world’s longest border with Canada,’ they thought, ‘we can share a government, too!’ Indeed, that is exactly what a group of people in New York proposed to Justin Trudeau when he walked into a deli after meeting with the United Nations Secretary-General. Essentially, the diners begged Canada’s Prime Minister to leave Canada and run for President instead, to Trudeau’s chagrin. He politely declined their offer, claiming his birth outside of the United States automatically makes him ineligible, but his fans countered with the knowledge that Ted Cruz was born in Calgary. However, despite even getting on their knees, Trudeau continued to politely decline, insisting he already has a job he loves, and handling the unexpected situation with humor.
No matter what people may say about Justin Trudeau and his policies, at least his sanity is assured and it is unlikely for Canada to sink under totalitarian rule within the next four years. Compared to Donald Trump, any one of his cohorts, or even (dare I say it?) Kanye West, a self-absorbed rapper who promises to run for the presidency in 2020, Trudeau is like a refreshing glass of lemonade on an August’s day in Texas. As a Canadian, I am personally looking forward to this year’s American elections. After all, every word that comes out of a candidate’s mouth brings us closer to the day when Canada will dominate over three-quarters of North America, saving our southern neighbor from turning into a second North Korea.